Monday, November 07, 2005

Trying to orientate myself.

Bismi'llah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim...for the sake of Prophet Muhammad saws and Sheikh Nazim may Allah protect his secret.

Monday November 7th. 2005. Zarautz.


....... Luego voy a intentar hacer un sumario de lo que pasa .. a ver adonde estoy y que pasa. Pero, ahora tengo que comer ... cuanto tension en este casa !

How do I say this today ? Especially as I am writing to myself virtually again. Or at least to Jenny perhaps and maybe an occasional abu Qassim .. and few more ..however it doesn’t seem that appropriate for Sufistuff (where perhaps I have a few more readers) except that, the sum of it all is that all that matters is my relationship with Allah and the everlasting question of prayer and it’s efficacy or it’s reason/point ...

In theory it is really, at it’s best the continual submission to and recognition of Allah’s Greatness and total Authority in all affairs and destinies and outcomes .. It should be a sincere glorification of Him Almighty .. but .. as most everyone experiences to some degree .. it is much harder to continue when things are going badly or disagreeably than when they are going well. Maybe this applies especially in Islam where there is actually something that one has to do. i.e. practices which require adherence to a timetable, washing, reciting, bowing and prostrating etc.

My experience is that it is much easier to make dua .. to ask or make petitionary prayer in times of difficulty, but much harder to make the obligatory rakats or cycles of prayer due to Allah under Islamic shariat practices.
Maybe this is especially true for westerners to whom the arabic language is foreign and therefore much harder to be sincere in.

In theory, or in reality, everything comes down to this .. if one is really believing in the Prophet saws, then there should be no question about practices no matter what the circumstances .. however they can still be an irritance and a nuisance and almost counter-productive in that sense to individuals with very wild egos like mine, even though they have been trying for over twenty years to train and dominate the damn thing !

And there it is. This wierd lonely feeling, being muslim amongst all these non muslims .. like on B.L. trying to be a believer while being surrounded by non-believers. The not being able to even sleep in the same bed as my own wife let alone have any sort of physical relationship .. and then, in these circumstances see what one turns to for support or comfort when even internet freinds have been cut off.

Some sort of self reliance must appear in order for one not to go crazy. Knowing that one has an erratic and insecure source of income at the best of times, and now even that has been further destabilised.

Trying to rely on God .. tawwakul .. or reliance on Allah ..

Feeling like a hypocrite bcause it seems that I am doing the prayers for myself a kind of insurance policy rather than a sincere act of worship and respect .. some fear and a vague notion of protection .. An observed worsening of events close to oneself when the prayer is neglected ..the incredibly unlikely misunderstandings caused within four small walls of a house or flat and some lessening of that when prayers are attended to.

Women ! Spanish women !

Hoh! It is all very well for the secretary of the doctor in Madrid to tell me about being positive and loving .. just as Itziar would too while we waltzed down the path to Bilquis’s near death with her hazy view of the New Medicine, including the “information” eagerly fastened onto by Bilquis, that the smell of putrifaction coming from her was because of making scar tissue .. ! Huh !

No .. this time I want facts .. I want information, not positive thinking and affection while the cancer wreaks havoc inside her.

Not that I am that impressed by the official medicine available ..but at least it is not afraid to publish facts about how it supposedly works .. even if the truth is that it doesn’t really work.

With Bio Bac or “Renoven” there is a covering up and non publishing of findings which is strange, if not to say suspicious.

One wonders why .. a) It could be because they don’t want “competitors” to find out .. so as to spoil their commerce .. or b) because really there are no facts to publish and the whole thing’s a scam or semi charlatan set up... or maybe c) something to do with not letting “the authorities” know anything .. or being seen to be curing cancer when “the other side” wants to eliminate them.

Who knows the truth ? I am fairly sure that cancer is big big business and there is much truth in the fact of covering up findings about any sort of cure which escapes from “their” hands .. or is cheap enough or effective enough to damage their very lucrative business. Who are “they” ..? I don’t really know .. but there are some very interesting facts about Bush and the people in his government and their positions on and shares in a big pharmaceutical company responsible for making the only known medicine against the supposed bird flu “pandemic”... and so it goes on.

I don’t really think Bio Bac or Renoven is a scam .. but I do want facts .. I want to know how it works .. on what scientific basis ..

The secretary tells me that hopefully I can have a phone call with the doctor at about ten tomorrow morning and it will be interesting to hear what he has to say.

All I know is there is some stuff around living enzymes .. something about the discovery of cells that multiply despite not having DNA ... and the use of mad cow disease as an example of something which it seems Bilquis cannot remember clearly .. and I’m supposed to be positive and loving with that as a basis ! Meanwhile we, as one of one thousand patients, spend 240 € a month on the medicine and a one hour consultancy costs 90 € !

I am led to believe that it normally takes at least one to one and a half months for the medicine to take effect and I don’t really know how long Bilquis is given by the official medicine before her cancer becomes mortal. i.e. I don’t even know if the time window is long enough for the medicine to start taking effect.

Reading this page last night, while being very informative, did not make me feel much better when I realised that Bilquis is on a level three and that her radio treatment is palliative .. i.e. to help with the pain rather than being curative.

Meanwhile, I’m not working, I have no friends or immediate family and I never go out anywhere .. no wonder I feel a little bit strange !


Blogger Anna said...

oh grego.

i'm truly sorry to hear of your difficulties. if i could, i would whisk you away, and give you magic, nourishing food that would make you drowsy and you'd sink into the most restorative and delicious slumber -- so that when you awoke, rejuvenated and strengthened, you'd be able to handle the challenges ahead of you in the best way possible.

all the best, dear.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:16:00 PM  

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